There are things our beards can do that are both weird and wonderful.
They go beyond the scope of what any non-bearded man may ever realize. In fact, there are so many things our beards can do – it’s impossible to list them all.
So, we’ve had a good word with our friends over at the IBS (Institute of Beard Sciences, not Irritable Bowel Syndrome) to see if they could collate the most important beard facts from around the world.And, they came back to us with 30 of the most important beard facts (that may or may not be true) in today’s Scientifically Studied beard era.
Without further adieu, here they are…
Fact #1: Beards can increase your overall strength by 27%.
Fact #2: Beards make you instantly more attractive to women.
Fact #3: Beards make you a better musician.
Fact #4: Beards make you wiser – Confucius, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Jesus…need I go on?
Fact #5: Beards can order a drink in any language (Because you only really need Whiskey and Beer).
Fact #6: NASA has never allowed a beard astronaut on the moon, in case they emasculated any Aliens we may encounter.
Fact #7: Beards are the world #1 weapon in defense of zombies.
Fact #8: Chuck Norris’ beard once had a fight with Bruce Lee, and won.
Fact #9: James Bond never faced a bearded villain, because they knew he could never win.
Fact #10: There are only two types of beards: real beards and hipster beards. The first one is masculine, strong and rugged. The second one is purely ironic.
Fact #11: The only workplaces that want you to be clean-shaven are where the Managing Director has a beard envy.
Fact #12: The Knights of the Round Table were all required to have a beard. It just couldn’t exceed the length of King Arthurs majestic ginger beard.
Fact #13: If the entirety of your beard can be seen on a Skype Call, the Institute of Beard Science say’s it’s not long enough.
Fact #14: Stroking your beard in public is not weird. Honest.
Fact #15: The only time it’s impossible to look manly with a beard, is if you’re wearing Crocs. Especially bright yellow ones.
Fact #16: Fishermen have beards, not because of the lack of shaving facilities, it’s actually because it improves their chances of catching a fish by 34.67%.
Fact #17: The answer to the question, ‘Why don’t you shave your beard off?’ is always, ‘Either I’m making you want me or you’re jealous, which one is it?’
Fact #18: Having a beard means you’re 110% more likely to become involved in a mundane conversation, with a person you don’t know, about something you don’t care about.
Fact #19: Beard Envy is the number one cause of depression in the United States.
Fact #20: In Bavaria, it’s a requirement to have at least a mustache to drink from a Stein. Everyone else must use paper cups.
Fact #21: Two-thirds of all beards in Portland, OR, have been grown ironically.
Fact #22: Bearded men have, on average, the most attractive wives in the world.
Fact #23: Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill (ZZ Top) have a combined beard length of 4 miles and 62 yards.
Fact #24: If you put all Hipster beards end-to-end in space, we’d have a much smaller Hipster beard problem here on Earth.
Fact #25: Having a beard over 9 inches in length unlocks a secret menu at KFC, called the ‘Colonels Surprise’.
Fact #26: Every time a man shaves his beard, an Angel loses its wings.
Fact #27: Olivia Newton-John has the longest beard in the film Grease.
Fact #28: The beards in Duck Dynasty were grown initially as a place for Ducks to make nests, while they captured the essence of the Duck’s Quack.
Fact #29: A man with a beard can induce a female orgasm lasting over 23 and a half minutes on average.
Fact #30: Having a beard ensures you get through customs 22.5% slower than everyone else.