8 First World Problems Only Beard Owners Will Understand (Part 2)
If there’s one thing I love about my bearded brothers, it’s this: you’re always helping me out.
In my last article about First World Beard Problems, I outlined eight parts of being a Beardsman that anyone without facial hair will never understand.
But, you guys came back at me with more of your own problems. I was inundated with so many e-mails and responses that I could not create another article about all of your own first world beard problems I hadn’t even thought about.
So, without any further build up – here are 8 first world beard problems only beard owners will understand, as decided by you:
#1 – Bed Beard
This is the general look of my beard when I wake up in the morning.
The bane of all beardsmen throughout the world: the dreaded Bed Beard.
Waking up to find that one-half of your beard squashed and disfigured is never a good way to start your day.
But, the worst thing? The excruciating pain as you try and drag a comb through it.
I don’t like mornings at the best of times, and this, well, this just makes them a whole lot worse.
#2 – Winter Jacket Zippers
Beards and cold weather go hand in hand. It’s been the most masculine way to insulate your face throughout the ages.
The Vikings and The Celts used them to keep themselves warm in the barbaric cold. With limited technology and sheepskin throws, they managed to do alright.
But nowadays, we have the technology to keep us warm. Thick jackets, gloves, long johns – you name it, we’ve got it.
Yet the beard still remains the most effective way to keep your face warm in the winter months, because Balaclava’s just aren’t that socially acceptable. They make you look like a burglar, or maybe a ninja if you’re really lucky, but don’t count on it. You’ll probably just end up being interrogated.
So, back on topic, why does every single winter coat insist on ripping the hairs away from my face? It likes to take my precious beard hair, intertwine it with its metal clasps and yank at it for dear life. Once your hair is zipped into the metal clasps there is no possible way the untangle them, unzipping will just make it worse. It’s an impossible situation.
I bought the jacket to keep me warm, and it’s trying to do nothing but make my face colder.
You’d think after all these advances in winter technology; they’d be able to account for the age-old beard.
#3 – Eating Your Moustache
This man certainly cannot eat an ice cream cone. In fact, he probably can’t eat anything without getting a taste of this “walrus-like” ‘stache.
Have you ever been eating a burger, chowing down on some steak or eating tortilla chips – and your mustache has decided to surprise you, by acting like food?
It just throws itself into your mouth, catching bits of hair between your teeth and aggressively pulling them out of your lip.
Much like catching your beard in your zipper, your mustache just seems magically attracted to exploring the inside of your mouth – with no regard for the pain it could cause.
It also doesn’t add anything to the taste of the meal. Nobody has ever gone, ‘Yeah, can I have a Burger, all the way, but can you throw some mustache hair on there too? Thanks.’
#4 – The Itch
You can be going about your normal, everyday routine with no problems in the world. You can be sitting on the sofa, drinking a coffee or eating your lunch. It could be in the bathroom, when you go to bed or in the middle of a good book.
But sometime, someplace – you’re going to get the itch. (No, not that itch. That one is private and you should probably see a doctor.) We’re talking about the insatiable itch of your face forest as it grows. That little, incessant itch that waits for no man. It just comes out of nowhere when it’s good and ready.
Sometimes it just a tiny itch, others, it’s a raging scratch fest.
Tip: Keeping your beard and skin moisturized can help with beard itch, as described in our beard growing guide.
#5 – Not Saving Time On Grooming
Non-Beard brothers often say to me:
‘Hey Nate, I bet you save a heck of a lot of time shaving with a beard that size’.
And it’s true because I spend literally zero hours in any given year shaving. Which you’d think would free up a lot of time in my day, right?
Wrong. One does not simply “just wake up” when they have a beard. Oh no, that would be too easy.
Now, instead of shaving, I find myself in front of the bathroom mirror taming my beard. Washing it, applying beard oil, and combing it so it continues to be badass. Instead of the five minutes I would have spent shaving, I now spend ten minutes grooming my beard.
So, as it turns out, having a beard isn’t really a time saver at all.
#6 – Being Labelled A Hipster
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Hipsters ruin everything.
They ruined: Nintendo Game Systems, Comic Books, Chino’s, Deck Shoes, Tattoo’s, Folding Bicycles – and now they’ve taken an all out assault on Beards.
It turns out that the general population now believes if you have a beard, and you aren’t riding a Harley Davidson everywhere, you must be a hipster. Because, you know, beards didn’t exist until 2008 did they? One day I’m going to create an Anti-Hipster beard movement. But for now, I’ll just continue to get slightly irritated every time I get labeled as one.
#7 – Eating Any Messy Food
I want you to picture something. A man, eating ribs, with a majestic beard and a beer (or whiskey) by his side.
If that image doesn’t fill you with testosterone and manliness I don’t know what will. However, in the aftermath of that manly image lies something terrible – a beard filled with sauce. Tangled and matted hair filled with sweet barbecue flavorings and tiny little bits of pork.
It’s not as simple as just wiping it off and carrying on. No. Somehow, the sauce manages to work its way into the deepest, darkest reaches of your beard – some never to return. This same problem applies to many different foods, like ice cream cones, peaches, brisket and basically anything that has a slightly ‘runny’ texture.
In no other situation eating food has looked so masculine but felt so child-like.
#8 – Doing The ‘Professor’ Stroke
The Professor Stroke is the subconscious, constant stroke of your beard that looks a like a college professor thinking up a new algorithm or equation.
Your hand seems to just endlessly gravitate to your beard, regardless of the situation or your surroundings. You could be driving your car, or performing open-heart surgery – at some point, you’ll find yourself stroking your beard, completely unintentionally.
Admittedly, it’s calming and relaxing – but why can’t my hand just leave it alone? I spent 20 minutes grooming it to perfection this morning!
Bonus: #9 – Hoping The Hair In Your Food Is Yours
You’ve all seen it, you’ve all done it: fished a hair out of your food and hoped for your dear life that it’s yours.
Soups, Salads, Steaks, and Sundaes – none are unusual places to find a piece of hair from time to time. After all, life happens.
As a Beardsman, you’ll have to ask yourself the questions: Is it mine?
Now you’ve got a decision to make: to carry on eating, or not?
I’ll let you keep the answer to yourselves though.