The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. It’s dark, it’s lonely – and it’s no longer safe to go outside.
Every day you wake up thinking it’s a normal day. You get out of bed to the sunrise, you stroll over and open up the curtains thinking about your morning pot of coffee – and that’s when you see it. The streets are laden with the un-dead. Still in the suits they were buried in, with their rigor mortis and gangrene laden limbs stretched out before them.
Then, you remember the front door is blocked by everything heavy you own – the same with the back. There’s no such thing as a ‘window’ on the bottom floor anymore – just plywood smeared with the blood of the damned.
But, what does this have to do with Beards?
It has everything to do with beards.
A beard doesn’t grant you any magical powers against zombies. We didn’t suddenly discover that a beard could defeat a Zombie army (if you can even call it that). What we did find, however, is that if you have a beard – you are more resistant to becoming one of them. There are the rare cases where a bearded fellow gets turned to the dark side, but it’s incredibly uncommon.
Except for, well, Dan Bilzerian. He was doomed from day one because the people of Los Angeles banded together and force-fed him to a Zombie. It’s quite saddening that even though he’s one of them – he still has the most interesting Twitter feed.
But take a serious look at every Zombie film, horror flick or vampire film to ever be made. Aside from the Werewolf’s incidental beard, none of the zombies actually have facial hair. The moviemakers were on to something – and it finally came true.
Having a beard in this day in age comes with a lot of benefits on top of your “zombie resistance”, but it definitely ensures you one thing:
You’re first in line at the doggone armory.
That’s right. Anyone who’s been to Texas knows exactly what I’m talking about – having a beard automatically qualifies you to hold a gun. It’s a scientific fact. And, in the Zombie Apocalypse, that’s no different. In fact, the bigger the beard – the bigger the gun. Another two months of growth and I’m going to be walking round with a Bazooka!
I guess it’s one of those innate feelings people have, that Beard = Power.
Having a beard also brings out a few other instinctual feelings in our communities. In the days of old, Beards were considered a sign of knowledge and power. Then, they became a hipster trend and lost much of their power. (Again, we force-fed anybody in: Chino shorts, deck shoes, or a fashion beard to the Zombies. Hipster zombies don’t attack anyone, they think it’s too mainstream).
But once the apocalypse was upon us – everyone turned to the beard again. We became the tribal leaders, the government, the Sooth-Sayers, and the keys to the survival of man.
Basically: women want to mate us, men want to hate us and Zombies want to eat us. We hold all the cards and we’re in charge. The Beard Brothers of the world have taken over, and we’re fighting the zombie fight. Because, as we all presumed; beards are here to save the world.
There are a couple of drawbacks to having a beard when blood, gore, and tins of beans surround you though:
- Picking Pieces of Zombie Out of Your Beard: This is especially bad after a real big shootout. When you shoot them, the bastards just explode. Everywhere. With no care about your beard at all. I’ve lost countless hours of my life pulling body parts out of the deepest regions of my beard.
- Having To Make Life-Saving Decisions – All The Time: The beard gives you power. With power comes responsibility. And, with that means I have to make tactical, life-saving decisions on a somewhat hourly basis, when all I really want to do is drink some scotch and watch confused Zombie’s fight in the street (hey, it’s fun).
- A Severe Lack Of Beard Oils: Apparently beard oil doesn’t count as an “essential item” for us to manufacture during the middle-of-the-end-of-the-world. I have to use my stock of beard oil sparingly so my beard doesn’t smell like sweat, zombies, and cheetos. That’s not good for the mating process, leading to my next point…
- Too Many Women Want To Sleep With Me: Okay, Okay, I get it. My beard is awesome, I have a big gun, the only bottle of whiskey in the commune, and I’m basically in charge. So, women apparently can’t get enough of me. Of course, I don’t like to disappoint – but it would be nice to get a little extra sleep.
- Still Being Asked If I’m A Hipster: Because, even though they’ve all been fed to the Zombies – you still can’t escape this question.
But, that’s my cross to bear in this world. I chose to have a beard, I chose to be a survivor and I chose to take charge of society. I’m telling all of you this though, because I was in your position once: contemplating shaving my beard, taking a little extra off the top and trimming it shorter. I stopped trimming it, shaping it and I now treat it as a true extension of myself. Little did I know, it would end up saving my life – and hopefully mankind.
Keep your beard: it could just save your life.