Beard Culture

The 12 Beards of Christmas

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Christmas is a perfect time for a crime. As long as you are dressed like Santa Claus, no one will suspect you in doing something wrong. Through the past few years the number of Santa frauds has reached the highest level possible, that of course, does not make the real Santa look good in the eyes of innocent children and honest parents.

But, to make sure that Santa does bring you the awesome pack of beard oils, we offer you a guide to 12 Beards of Christmas. It will help you to determine who this guy is coming down your chimney and if he is allowed to eat the Christmas cookies.

12. Soul Patch Santa

These Santa’s usually gather near fireplaces and try to become closer to the universe by singing strange songs and drinking herbal tea. Do not get involved in a conversation with them or Soul Patch Santa’s might lure you into their clan and you will become another soul patch Santa dreamer. This is exactly how they grow in numbers. In general, soul patch Santa’s are harmless and can be scared away by hard rock music or black tea with no sugar.

11. Handlebar Mustache Santa

You might have seen these riding the city. During the summer season they act like ordinary people, ride bikes and say smart things. But the very moment Christmas time comes, these guys start acting like they know everything about Christmas. Instead of presents, Handlebar Mustache Santa’s usually keep a jar of pickles and a stupid script in their bag. Even though they look like Waldo, do not be fooled by their clothes. Also, no matter what they say to you, never eat the pickles and never listen to their story or else you will find yourself breaking into people’s house with the very same handlebar mustache face, shoulder bag and a big jar of pickles.

10. Pencil Beard Santa

Also known as rap Santa, pencil beard Santa often breaks into the houses via chimney by parking his pimped ride on the rooftop. He speaks strange English, swears a lot and always boasts of his tattoos. Pencil beard Santa knows the rhyme but does not know how to use it properly. In case he bothers you a lot, just show him where the booze is and everything should be fine. When pencil beard Santa gets drunk, you can sneak on the roof and ride his pimped reindeer.

9. Fu Manchu Santa

Oh, these Santas are cool! They carry the wisdom of ancient elves who really knew how to punish bad kids for their behavior. As long as you keep it cool, the Fu Manchu Santa will share his knowledge with you. Maybe, you’ve seen Fu Manchu Santa in some old-fashioned martial arts movies. Well, after all, Santas do need some extra income to satisfy all the presents kids ask for nowadays, so there is no need to be that judgmental. You can trust Fu Manchu Santa with all your heart but remember – never ask him why he has such a long beard or else…

8. Goatee Santa

Goatee Santa is one of those tricky Santa’s who has a winning recipe for luring kids into his palms. Usually, instead of bringing kids presents, Goatee Santa breaks into houses and searches for anything valuable to sell to the Grinch waiting on the street corner. Goatee Santa knows how to talk to children who can’t resist an opportunity to see a magic trick. But don’t be fooled by his guile. Goatee Santa is also known to be a big wrestling fan and the very same second you come close enough, you will be down on the ground, baby! Even though it feels kind of cool to wrestle with Santa, celebrating Christmas in a bed with broken ribs is not the best opportunity. So, try to stay away from this guy.

7. Conquistador Santa

drunk bearded santa lyingEven though these are supposed to be dead, conquistador Santas still come to some houses and offer their Santa services. To achieve this look you are gonna need these. Unfortunately, instead of golden coins and rubies, they only bring some crazy Spanish talk which is good for seducing mothers everywhere. He might not even leave Christmas presents under your tree but trust me his present takes the time to develop. It might take 9 months and it might be delivered by your mom but trust me this present was delivered by conquistador Santa.

6. No-Beard Santa

Maybe this will be a surprise for you but even when it’s summer and Santa goes to Hawaii to relax, takes sunbaths and enjoys a couple of cold cocktails, he still has his beard on. So, if you see beardless Santa coming down your chimney – you can instantly send him away. No-Beard Santa is kind of harmless in the terms of physical power but he knows how to convince people. So, no matter what happens, do not become a part of the conversation or else this Santa will talk you into paying for all the presents the real Santa brought you plus a delivery fee. Luckily, there is a way to get rid of him pretty quickly: just give no beard Santa what he wants and run away. Usually, a bottle of whiskey works just fine.

5. Pedophile Stache Santa

And who licensed these Santa’s to work on Christmas? Never, I repeat, never trust pedophile Santa! He may seem like a nice guy and he will definitely offer you some candy and a cool ride with his reindeer’s but all that is just a trick that will force you to drop your guard. Have you ever heard Santa asking children to kiss him under the mistletoe? Luckily, neither have I. So, in case you do meet this guy – punch him in his nuts and call the police. There is no place for creepy fellows like this one near Christmas trees.

4. Hitler Mustache Santa

This Santa is often referred to as Charlie Chaplin Santa but don’t be fooled by his look. Under the mask of Christmas, an evil Hitler Santa is hiding his identity. He was popular for a short time, especially from 1939 and up to 1945 but it now one of the most hated men in history. Though, even today Hitler Mustache Santa looks and sounds scary. The good news is that the only thing Hitler Santa can harm you with is the German language. All those Weihnachten, Geschenke and Strudeln will make you feel ungemütlich. Well, you know what I mean.

3. Chin Beard Santa

If you like hard rock then Chin Beard Santa is your man. It’s cool to have this guy at home, especially on holidays. He always knows how to make things special. His head is filled with dirty jokes, his body is ready for any amount of alcohol you happen to have in the basement. Also, Chin Beard Santa knows all the best top 100 rock hits by heart and is a perfect company for karaoke or for playing air drums. When China Beard Santa is too drunk, he will start telling stories of how cool he was in school and how elves bullied him for having a small beard.

2. Neck Beard Santa

Neck Beard Santa’s are pretty harmless because they can barely run. Usually, they enter houses for cookies and milk or whatever happens to be stashed in the fridge. Neck Beard Santa’s are lazy, they enjoy playing video games and like watching those TV channels where elf woman is selling a 100% solution for back problems. Even though Neck Beard Santa is an ok guy, he likes to go through the presents you got for Christmas from the real Santa. So, whenever you see him heading to the living room, run towards the Christmas tree and carry all your presents upstairs. Neck Beard Santa will get angry but he won’t be able to follow you to the second floor anyway, so, you should be safe until the morning comes.

1. Real Santa

Oh, you can easily identify the real Santa by his cool white beard and a bag of presents. Real Santa never makes noise and puts all the presents under the Christmas tree with the greatest accuracy possible. Real Santa will always taste the cookies you prepared and drink the milk you got for the old man. But, it is not advised to stalk the real Santa because there will be a price to pay if you actually see him putting presents in your stockings hanging over the fireplace or under the tree. You probably know that even though people believe in Santa, no one has actually proven his existence. Want to know why? Well, it’s because Santa carries a gun with a silencer. If Santa was a criminal, he would be a perfect one: there is no data on the old man, he never leaves his fingerprints, no one knows where he lives and what he does for a living. So, if you hear Santa going down the chimney, you better run to your bed and at least pretend you are asleep, or else you might not live to see Christmas morning. And you though being Santa was easy!

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